Set-Back, Not Defeat

I've written several times about the fact that I almost constantly battle with a feeling of worthlessness. I have since the age of 10. (I learned recently that I can go back & pinpoint the very moment it began.) Most days, I can cut that mess out before it even shows up. And even when I am starting to feel myself slip into that place, I can logically think about how much I have going for me, & know that no one person is worthless because all people are worthy of love & respect. There are so many more good days than bad now, & even most of the bad days I can kick those feelings to the curb & move along with my bad self. However, recently, I have had a couple of very, very bad days. Bad like they've never been before.

A recent visit with my therapist reminded me that when we are feeling stressed or heartbroken or expressly sad, we resort to our lowest point. For some people, this is depression. For some, it's self harm. For me, it just so happens to be that feeling of absolute & utter worthlessness.

I have, in the past few months, developed a very healthy way of dealing with these feelings. Any time I have a negative feeling, I take a deep breath, count five things I'm grateful for, & ask myself how I can grow from the situation I'm dealing with. And then I remind myself that I've survived so much already, & that I am, in fact, a motherfucking warrior, & continue to spend the rest of my day kicking ass & taking names.

However, these past couple of days were so bad, that none of that worked. I knew what triggered the spell, but that's not what kept it going. I went without eating for two days, I was so distraught; without a full meal for three days. Called in sick to work two days in a row, because I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed. That's never happened. I slept more than I was awake. Counting my blessings didn't work, just made me feel guilty for feeling so pathetic when I had so many wonderful things to be thankful for. I felt I couldn't reach out to anyone, because I felt selfish for feeling the way I did, & I couldn't even explain why that feeling was there in the first place. I mean, I had just witnessed two of the most fantastic people in my life celebrate their love for one another, was lucky enough to have been a part of that celebration, & even though I was beyond ecstatic for them, I couldn't stop how I felt about myself. It took over my entire being. I felt so weak, physically, emotionally, mentally, gumption-ally. I've always been a fighter. I've been told several times that I don't know how to give up. Yet there I was, seemingly accepting defeat, & not even willfully. I just didn't know how to keep going. I couldn't even get dressed & walk my dog. I felt like I was drowning, & I didn't even want to be saved. I wanted to turn to sea foam & drift away. And then, suddenly, I found myself engaging in something potentially harmful. I needed to reach out, or I wasn't going to make it through. I'm not great at asking for help. I like to think that I can handle it all, & that if I can't, my loved ones will think less of me - or that I will think less of me. So, I posted something on social media that probably seemed like an emo teenager's passive aggressive cry for attention. It was not; that's not what I'm about. It was a cry for help, & was 100% how I was feeling. I had no other words, no other thoughts in my head but "I am worthless. Disposable at best."

Fortunately for me, a small number of people reached out.
Someone came the next day just to sit with me. He made me get out of bed. He made me talk. He convinced me not to cancel plans that were important to me.
Someone made me eat, even though I still had no appetite. She called me on the way home & genuinely listened to what I was going through. She made me promise not to go through it alone.

To those who reached out, thank you.
To those I caused to worry, I apologize.

I can see today the things to look forward to. I can feel my sense of self-worth springing back. I know I'm not alone. I can feel hope. I can feel creative juices flowing. I can feel my future coming, & I can tell this will all seem like a distant dream. Thank God. I can feel hope.

Today is not great, but it is better.  I still have very little energy, but I am moving. I still have no appetite, but I made myself eat. I am still devastated, but I know I'll get through this. This spell was a set-back, but not a defeat.

Why Do We Care Who Cares Less?

 I've probably written about this before, & I'm sure there are dozens (maybe even hundreds!) of articles on this same subject, but I feel it bears repeating. If you've dated anytime in the last, well, ever, I'm sure you've played that game where you pretended to care less than you do about another person. You know, that game where you'll only show you care as much as your person of interest shows they care. I just want to say something about this behavior, just real quick, & then I'm going back to my day. This behavior is stupid. It's childish, it's prideful, & it's selfish. And the sad thing is that we all, at one point or another, have engaged in this behavior. 

It's everywhere, not only with romantic or sexual relationships. I've even seen people do this with their friends. Their FRIENDS. People who are supposed to be there to support you, love you, & accept your love. I don't get this. 

What's the point? Why do we choose to withhold love or affection? How is that better for anyone? Think about how it would feel if someone expressed to you that they cared for you. Think about how it feels to get a message from a friend just saying they miss you & are thinking about you. Why would you hold back from spreading that kind of joy? Does withholding something like that not eat you up inside? It does me. I want the people I love to know they're loved. A person may really need to feel affection right now. Why not give that to them? Why not be the person to put a smile on their face?

Is that the type of person you want to surround yourself with, platonically or romantically? People who are emotionally unavailable & are too proud to show you love? Not me. No, thank you. I do my best to surround myself with people who are beacons of light & love, who are supportive, who are unafraid to give & receive affection. And I try to be that same way for them. Life is so short. Why would we spend any amount of time pretending to love less than we do? Are we so afraid of looking foolish that we are totally fine with standing back & waiting for someone else to make the first move? Or is it that we're so frozen with fear that the person won't return the sentiment, that we decide it's just not worth a blow to our own self-esteem? Or do we just enjoy this head-game?

I've spent a large part of the last few weeks on both sides of this behavior. It's been a huge struggle for me to not be withholding, just because I don't want to admit that I probably care more than another person. I have been proud, my feelings have been hurt, I have been willfully withholding because I'm stubborn & don't want people to know that they could hurt me. That's something I find very interesting, because I am a very, very affectionate person. I'll lock someone I love in a three minute hug if they'll let me, I'll spill my guts for an hour about how wonderful I think someone is. For all of the relationships in my life. I love human contact, & I love spreading love. So, to have been engaged in this type of behavior lately has felt like emotional warfare. And honestly, I feel a little wounded. I cried every day for nearly three weeks, & went back & forth between being open about my feelings & closing myself off because of my own fears. What an awful way to feel, & how distressing to think I may have made someone else feel this way. It weighs heavily on my mind & spirit. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you should continue to display affection or adoration for someone if they've expressed discomfort about the issue. You have to understand personal boundaries, as well. But that's not the point of this post. The point is, why waste any of your life not spreading the love you feel? We're not promised tomorrow. How would it feel to know you never told someone how much you love them while you had the chance to do so?

I strive every day to show my love. If I have not done so to you, friends, please know it is not for lack of caring. I love you all so, so much.

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget things. And some of those times, all I need is a simple reminder & I'm right back on track. Other times, you can remind me all you want, but I still need to remember on my own for it to really click. The last couple of weeks have been filled with an unusual amount of hormones (hello, tears!), pain medication, very little sleep, extreme physical discomfort, & an emotional roller coaster that is still running. I have forgotten a lot in such a short amount of time, & today I started thinking about a few of the things that I sometimes forget when things get a little too stressful or emotional for me.

Sometimes I forget that not everyone feels things as intensely as I do. I've always been a very emotional person, though a lot of the time, I try to hide that. Just about everything I feel is 110%. Sometimes, when I'm really caught up in something, I forget that not everyone feels things as strongly as I do. Sometimes I let that hurt my feelings, until I'm reminded that I'm just a more emotional person than most others.

Sometimes I forget that people don't always prioritize the same way. I'm a very passionate person, & that comes through in every area of my life. If something is important to me, no matter how busy I am, I'll make time for it. Even if it means less sleep than I would want, or not getting to sit on my couch with my dog watching Netflix, which is mainly what I want to do 70% of the time. I tend to forget that people have different ways of dealing with things, & that prioritizing means different things to different people.

Sometimes I forget that it's not selfish to have self-respect. I tend to go out of my way for people. I will sometimes let people walk all over me, because I enjoy being there for them. Like most people, conflict is not one of my favorite things. So, sometimes I feel selfish for taking up for myself when things are too much for me. When someone goes too far, there tends to be a conflict in my mind between "am I just being selfish?" & "I deserve better than that." I don't like to think of myself as a selfish person, even though I can be at times (who isn't?). That's not a way I want to be viewed. However, everyone deserves to be treated fairly, & to be able to stand up for themselves, & that's something I tend to forget when dealing with others not treating me fairly. That's not selfish. After all, if you don't respect yourself, you can't expect others to respect you either. And sometimes I forget that it's okay - maybe even healthy - to be just a little bit selfish.

Sometimes I forget to breathe. Taking a deep breath helps with most things frustrating. And I know this. But when emotions are high, I forget to do it at first. I forget when I'm worried I might cry in front of someone. Or when I'm worried I might throw something. Or when something so wonderful is happening that I just can't believe it. I also forget to breathe when I'm holding an extra-hard yoga pose & when I'm watching the swimming portions of the Olympics.

Sometimes I forget that I am worthy. I've written before about dealing with feelings of worthlessness. This is an aspect of my life that I work on every single day, whether I'm feeling worthless that day or not. Sometimes I worry that I'll feel this way for the rest of my life. And I'm proud to say that more often than not, I'm happy & healthy & just dandy. But sometimes it can be so easy to lose sight of the positive attributes I have. I can downplay with the best of them, & it's easiest to do when I'm the subject. I can force myself to forget that people can have things to offer me, & sometimes I forget that I have things to offer other people.

And then sometimes I remember that I forgot these things, remember to breathe, reevaluate my circumstances, & remember how wonderfully content I am in this moment. I remember that the way I do things is what makes me unique, down to how deeply I feel everything. I remember how much progress I've made, & how strong that makes me feel. I remember how loved I am. I remember how much worse I could have it. I remember that I'm not worthless, if for no other reason than that I'm a human being, & that I can have self-respect without feeling guilty or selfish. After all, the last couple of weeks have also been filled with filming, writing, business lunches for my start-up, laughs, love, & puppy snuggles. Lots & lots of puppy snuggles.

The Almighty Cheeseburger

It is my understanding that when someone tells another person to eat a cheeseburger, they generally mean it as a compliment. They're telling you that you're SO small, you should gain some weight! Or what they're actually telling you is that you're too thin for their own comfort, or too small to fit their idea of "healthy." I just want to let those who like to use this phrase know: It's not a compliment. 

It's the same idea as telling someone to eat a salad. It's saying "Change your behavior to conform to my ideal of how you should look." And frankly, it's none of your business. The only times you should have a say in what someone else is eating is if you're a doctor, you're a parent feeding your child, that person has asked your opinion, or what the person is about to eat is poisonous. 

Just like people have naturally larger body types, some people are just naturally thinner. That's okay, too, y'all. 

Some people put a lot of thought into their diet, exercise regimen, lifestyle so that they have achieved the body that want, or are working towards it. They have & are working hard for it. And here you are, telling them that their hard work was for naught or that the path they've chosen for their own body isn't the right path. 

This is something that I hear a lot of. And it does bother me. Not a lot, but it is mildly annoying. My body is my own, & I do not need someone else to tell me what to put in it. Yes, I do occasionally eat cheeseburgers. One if my favorite things on this earth is a double cheeseburger with extra pickles from Five Guys. But my diet is my own business, & I'm an adult who is capable of making my own decisions about with what foods I'll fuel the only body I'll be given in this lifetime. And I choose to eat healthier (the majority of the time - life is too short to not treat yourself occasionally) because I happen to like the way my body looks when I put the effort into it. I do not appreciate my efforts being dismissed simply because someone else thinks their opinion about my body is so important that they need to give me instructions on how to fix whatever they feel is wrong. I know I'm not overweight. I know I'm small. I have a small frame. But I also know that my body can be improved upon, according to my opinion of it - which is the only one that matters. 

It would be super rude of me to tell someone to eat a salad. How is telling someone to eat a cheeseburger any different? Besides, I would never tell anyone to eat a salad, because someone else's diet is none of my damn business. 

Here Comes the Sun

For the last few months, I have struggled with feelings of worthlessness. This isn't anything new, but the last few months have been especially tough. This comes from a variety of factors: having to give up my apartment that I loved so much (& still miss to this day), the deterioration of most of my friendships (for reasons I wish I knew), & mostly the fact that I've been on a medication that has, as a side effect, caused major bouts of depression.
I'm thoroughly aware that I am responsible for my own mental & emotional well-being. I blame no one for these feelings, but myself. Some days I'm able to defeat those feelings before I even get out of bed, & other days it's all I can do not to cry in public. The good outweigh the bad, but the bad are BAD. Like today. Today is a rough one, but I know I can handle it. I'm pretty resilient. I've had to be.
This post is not to say that I'm not one lucky, appreciative little lady. I have a handsome man who loves me, a supportive family, a great new job, & the cutest pup in all the land. I have a roof over my head, never go hungry, & am healthy. These are the things I try to focus on, when I'm feeling worthless. It's so easy to focus on the negative, to pout about things that we can't change, to down-talk ourselves & our surroundings. That's because it's easy to feel alone. It's so easy, in this day & age, where everyone is posting on social media about things that they're involved in, trips they take, gatherings they're going to, etc. - it's so easy now to feel utterly alone. Like everyone has forgotten you. Like no one else could ever feel as isolated as you feel in that moment.
On the bad days, it's easy to forget that people have their own lives. It's easy to wonder why your friendships seem to be dwindling. It's easy to feel like no one is on your side, even though you know there are people who love you. It's easy to think that everyone else is out there having the time of their lives & you're barely able to hold yourself together. All of that is easy. What's hard is understanding that you can't control any of that. What's hard is picking yourself up & caring for yourself even when you feel like no one else does. What's hard is focusing on the positive until you believe it. What's hard is facing those bad days head-on, making yourself see your own worth, whether or not you feel like anyone else does. And trust me, they do see it. Just because you don't see them seeing it, doesn't mean they don't.
It's worth the hard parts, because eventually you'll see that they do care. Eventually, you'll know your own worth again. I can't wait until that day is here, & it's coming, slowly but surely, one day at a time.
I don't know if anyone will read this. But if you do, & you're feeling worthless, lonely, like it will never get better, it will. Just because you can't see the sun yet doesn't mean the night will never end.