Here Comes the Sun

For the last few months, I have struggled with feelings of worthlessness. This isn't anything new, but the last few months have been especially tough. This comes from a variety of factors: having to give up my apartment that I loved so much (& still miss to this day), the deterioration of most of my friendships (for reasons I wish I knew), & mostly the fact that I've been on a medication that has, as a side effect, caused major bouts of depression.
I'm thoroughly aware that I am responsible for my own mental & emotional well-being. I blame no one for these feelings, but myself. Some days I'm able to defeat those feelings before I even get out of bed, & other days it's all I can do not to cry in public. The good outweigh the bad, but the bad are BAD. Like today. Today is a rough one, but I know I can handle it. I'm pretty resilient. I've had to be.
This post is not to say that I'm not one lucky, appreciative little lady. I have a handsome man who loves me, a supportive family, a great new job, & the cutest pup in all the land. I have a roof over my head, never go hungry, & am healthy. These are the things I try to focus on, when I'm feeling worthless. It's so easy to focus on the negative, to pout about things that we can't change, to down-talk ourselves & our surroundings. That's because it's easy to feel alone. It's so easy, in this day & age, where everyone is posting on social media about things that they're involved in, trips they take, gatherings they're going to, etc. - it's so easy now to feel utterly alone. Like everyone has forgotten you. Like no one else could ever feel as isolated as you feel in that moment.
On the bad days, it's easy to forget that people have their own lives. It's easy to wonder why your friendships seem to be dwindling. It's easy to feel like no one is on your side, even though you know there are people who love you. It's easy to think that everyone else is out there having the time of their lives & you're barely able to hold yourself together. All of that is easy. What's hard is understanding that you can't control any of that. What's hard is picking yourself up & caring for yourself even when you feel like no one else does. What's hard is focusing on the positive until you believe it. What's hard is facing those bad days head-on, making yourself see your own worth, whether or not you feel like anyone else does. And trust me, they do see it. Just because you don't see them seeing it, doesn't mean they don't.
It's worth the hard parts, because eventually you'll see that they do care. Eventually, you'll know your own worth again. I can't wait until that day is here, & it's coming, slowly but surely, one day at a time.
I don't know if anyone will read this. But if you do, & you're feeling worthless, lonely, like it will never get better, it will. Just because you can't see the sun yet doesn't mean the night will never end.