Set-Back, Not Defeat

I've written several times about the fact that I almost constantly battle with a feeling of worthlessness. I have since the age of 10. (I learned recently that I can go back & pinpoint the very moment it began.) Most days, I can cut that mess out before it even shows up. And even when I am starting to feel myself slip into that place, I can logically think about how much I have going for me, & know that no one person is worthless because all people are worthy of love & respect. There are so many more good days than bad now, & even most of the bad days I can kick those feelings to the curb & move along with my bad self. However, recently, I have had a couple of very, very bad days. Bad like they've never been before.

A recent visit with my therapist reminded me that when we are feeling stressed or heartbroken or expressly sad, we resort to our lowest point. For some people, this is depression. For some, it's self harm. For me, it just so happens to be that feeling of absolute & utter worthlessness.

I have, in the past few months, developed a very healthy way of dealing with these feelings. Any time I have a negative feeling, I take a deep breath, count five things I'm grateful for, & ask myself how I can grow from the situation I'm dealing with. And then I remind myself that I've survived so much already, & that I am, in fact, a motherfucking warrior, & continue to spend the rest of my day kicking ass & taking names.

However, these past couple of days were so bad, that none of that worked. I knew what triggered the spell, but that's not what kept it going. I went without eating for two days, I was so distraught; without a full meal for three days. Called in sick to work two days in a row, because I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed. That's never happened. I slept more than I was awake. Counting my blessings didn't work, just made me feel guilty for feeling so pathetic when I had so many wonderful things to be thankful for. I felt I couldn't reach out to anyone, because I felt selfish for feeling the way I did, & I couldn't even explain why that feeling was there in the first place. I mean, I had just witnessed two of the most fantastic people in my life celebrate their love for one another, was lucky enough to have been a part of that celebration, & even though I was beyond ecstatic for them, I couldn't stop how I felt about myself. It took over my entire being. I felt so weak, physically, emotionally, mentally, gumption-ally. I've always been a fighter. I've been told several times that I don't know how to give up. Yet there I was, seemingly accepting defeat, & not even willfully. I just didn't know how to keep going. I couldn't even get dressed & walk my dog. I felt like I was drowning, & I didn't even want to be saved. I wanted to turn to sea foam & drift away. And then, suddenly, I found myself engaging in something potentially harmful. I needed to reach out, or I wasn't going to make it through. I'm not great at asking for help. I like to think that I can handle it all, & that if I can't, my loved ones will think less of me - or that I will think less of me. So, I posted something on social media that probably seemed like an emo teenager's passive aggressive cry for attention. It was not; that's not what I'm about. It was a cry for help, & was 100% how I was feeling. I had no other words, no other thoughts in my head but "I am worthless. Disposable at best."

Fortunately for me, a small number of people reached out.
Someone came the next day just to sit with me. He made me get out of bed. He made me talk. He convinced me not to cancel plans that were important to me.
Someone made me eat, even though I still had no appetite. She called me on the way home & genuinely listened to what I was going through. She made me promise not to go through it alone.

To those who reached out, thank you.
To those I caused to worry, I apologize.

I can see today the things to look forward to. I can feel my sense of self-worth springing back. I know I'm not alone. I can feel hope. I can feel creative juices flowing. I can feel my future coming, & I can tell this will all seem like a distant dream. Thank God. I can feel hope.

Today is not great, but it is better.  I still have very little energy, but I am moving. I still have no appetite, but I made myself eat. I am still devastated, but I know I'll get through this. This spell was a set-back, but not a defeat.