Set-Back, Not Defeat

I've written several times about the fact that I almost constantly battle with a feeling of worthlessness. I have since the age of 10. (I learned recently that I can go back & pinpoint the very moment it began.) Most days, I can cut that mess out before it even shows up. And even when I am starting to feel myself slip into that place, I can logically think about how much I have going for me, & know that no one person is worthless because all people are worthy of love & respect. There are so many more good days than bad now, & even most of the bad days I can kick those feelings to the curb & move along with my bad self. However, recently, I have had a couple of very, very bad days. Bad like they've never been before.

A recent visit with my therapist reminded me that when we are feeling stressed or heartbroken or expressly sad, we resort to our lowest point. For some people, this is depression. For some, it's self harm. For me, it just so happens to be that feeling of absolute & utter worthlessness.

I have, in the past few months, developed a very healthy way of dealing with these feelings. Any time I have a negative feeling, I take a deep breath, count five things I'm grateful for, & ask myself how I can grow from the situation I'm dealing with. And then I remind myself that I've survived so much already, & that I am, in fact, a motherfucking warrior, & continue to spend the rest of my day kicking ass & taking names.

However, these past couple of days were so bad, that none of that worked. I knew what triggered the spell, but that's not what kept it going. I went without eating for two days, I was so distraught; without a full meal for three days. Called in sick to work two days in a row, because I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed. That's never happened. I slept more than I was awake. Counting my blessings didn't work, just made me feel guilty for feeling so pathetic when I had so many wonderful things to be thankful for. I felt I couldn't reach out to anyone, because I felt selfish for feeling the way I did, & I couldn't even explain why that feeling was there in the first place. I mean, I had just witnessed two of the most fantastic people in my life celebrate their love for one another, was lucky enough to have been a part of that celebration, & even though I was beyond ecstatic for them, I couldn't stop how I felt about myself. It took over my entire being. I felt so weak, physically, emotionally, mentally, gumption-ally. I've always been a fighter. I've been told several times that I don't know how to give up. Yet there I was, seemingly accepting defeat, & not even willfully. I just didn't know how to keep going. I couldn't even get dressed & walk my dog. I felt like I was drowning, & I didn't even want to be saved. I wanted to turn to sea foam & drift away. And then, suddenly, I found myself engaging in something potentially harmful. I needed to reach out, or I wasn't going to make it through. I'm not great at asking for help. I like to think that I can handle it all, & that if I can't, my loved ones will think less of me - or that I will think less of me. So, I posted something on social media that probably seemed like an emo teenager's passive aggressive cry for attention. It was not; that's not what I'm about. It was a cry for help, & was 100% how I was feeling. I had no other words, no other thoughts in my head but "I am worthless. Disposable at best."

Fortunately for me, a small number of people reached out.
Someone came the next day just to sit with me. He made me get out of bed. He made me talk. He convinced me not to cancel plans that were important to me.
Someone made me eat, even though I still had no appetite. She called me on the way home & genuinely listened to what I was going through. She made me promise not to go through it alone.

To those who reached out, thank you.
To those I caused to worry, I apologize.

I can see today the things to look forward to. I can feel my sense of self-worth springing back. I know I'm not alone. I can feel hope. I can feel creative juices flowing. I can feel my future coming, & I can tell this will all seem like a distant dream. Thank God. I can feel hope.

Today is not great, but it is better.  I still have very little energy, but I am moving. I still have no appetite, but I made myself eat. I am still devastated, but I know I'll get through this. This spell was a set-back, but not a defeat.

Why Do We Care Who Cares Less?

 I've probably written about this before, & I'm sure there are dozens (maybe even hundreds!) of articles on this same subject, but I feel it bears repeating. If you've dated anytime in the last, well, ever, I'm sure you've played that game where you pretended to care less than you do about another person. You know, that game where you'll only show you care as much as your person of interest shows they care. I just want to say something about this behavior, just real quick, & then I'm going back to my day. This behavior is stupid. It's childish, it's prideful, & it's selfish. And the sad thing is that we all, at one point or another, have engaged in this behavior. 

It's everywhere, not only with romantic or sexual relationships. I've even seen people do this with their friends. Their FRIENDS. People who are supposed to be there to support you, love you, & accept your love. I don't get this. 

What's the point? Why do we choose to withhold love or affection? How is that better for anyone? Think about how it would feel if someone expressed to you that they cared for you. Think about how it feels to get a message from a friend just saying they miss you & are thinking about you. Why would you hold back from spreading that kind of joy? Does withholding something like that not eat you up inside? It does me. I want the people I love to know they're loved. A person may really need to feel affection right now. Why not give that to them? Why not be the person to put a smile on their face?

Is that the type of person you want to surround yourself with, platonically or romantically? People who are emotionally unavailable & are too proud to show you love? Not me. No, thank you. I do my best to surround myself with people who are beacons of light & love, who are supportive, who are unafraid to give & receive affection. And I try to be that same way for them. Life is so short. Why would we spend any amount of time pretending to love less than we do? Are we so afraid of looking foolish that we are totally fine with standing back & waiting for someone else to make the first move? Or is it that we're so frozen with fear that the person won't return the sentiment, that we decide it's just not worth a blow to our own self-esteem? Or do we just enjoy this head-game?

I've spent a large part of the last few weeks on both sides of this behavior. It's been a huge struggle for me to not be withholding, just because I don't want to admit that I probably care more than another person. I have been proud, my feelings have been hurt, I have been willfully withholding because I'm stubborn & don't want people to know that they could hurt me. That's something I find very interesting, because I am a very, very affectionate person. I'll lock someone I love in a three minute hug if they'll let me, I'll spill my guts for an hour about how wonderful I think someone is. For all of the relationships in my life. I love human contact, & I love spreading love. So, to have been engaged in this type of behavior lately has felt like emotional warfare. And honestly, I feel a little wounded. I cried every day for nearly three weeks, & went back & forth between being open about my feelings & closing myself off because of my own fears. What an awful way to feel, & how distressing to think I may have made someone else feel this way. It weighs heavily on my mind & spirit. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you should continue to display affection or adoration for someone if they've expressed discomfort about the issue. You have to understand personal boundaries, as well. But that's not the point of this post. The point is, why waste any of your life not spreading the love you feel? We're not promised tomorrow. How would it feel to know you never told someone how much you love them while you had the chance to do so?

I strive every day to show my love. If I have not done so to you, friends, please know it is not for lack of caring. I love you all so, so much.