Not So Confident I Can Pull This One Off...

Last night I had a lot of fun at rehearsal... until my scene came up. As we all know, I am unquestionably my own worst critic. I can't help but put a massive amount of pressure on myself about this show. I have been so excited to finally be able to play a role that's different from what I'm typically cast to play. And now I'm afraid I've bitten off more than I can chew. The skin-showing I can handle; that's not the problem. I seem to be having a problem finding the confidence I need for this one character. The last few months, emotional hell though they may have been, have somewhat forced me to instill a new confidence in myself. One that I've not ever had before in my entire life. That being said, I don't know why it's so hard for me to give this character the vivaciousness that she needs. I've been trying to walk into each rehearsal & "own it." But I'm still missing something. Missing a lot, actually.

Feeling like this makes me question pretty much everything about myself as an actress. I mentally & emotionally beat myself black & blue telling myself to step it up, worrying that I'm the weak link. I worry that I'm making the director, crew, & other cast members never want to work with me again. I worry that anyone who's spoken kindly about me as an actress will regret anything they may have said. I worry that I'll blow the whole show. 

I usually do this to a certain extent in any show. Always criticizing myself, always pushing myself for more, nothing is ever enough. Always worrying I'll bring the show down. Worrying that I'm the weak link. Usually my fears are evaporated by the time we open (for the most part, anyhow), & I'm free to relax & actually enjoy the performances. And usually I can partially quell those fears by telling myself that I always do this. This time, however, I'm worried that these fears may be valid. I'm afraid that I actually might blow this.

Especially after how my scene went last night. I'm not sure what it was. I was hormonal, hungry, & exhausted. I had somehow worked myself into a bundle of nerves. I acted like a fool. And then I just... sucked. I know, I know, everyone has those rehearsals, everyone has an off night. But I've had more off nights than good ones so far with this show. And as much as I've tried to step it up, I felt last night like I had completely lost myself from any path of decent work I may have been on. It's been upsetting me all day. Hopefully, I'll be able to step it up from now on, & really sell this role. I hope so.

Ah. Enough pity partying. It's back on the horse. I'm off to spend my Friday night primping. Feeling pretty leads to confidence, after all...

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